Identity Crisis as a Teen - Part 1

As I mentioned before in "Identify" it can be a common thing when dating someone with a distant other culture then yourself to want to identify with them or date them because it seems new and interesting or exotic.  I won't say I wasn't guilty of it in my past because I was.  Mine however was a little different in that I feel it was more a part of my identity culture crisis as a teen.

We can all agree being a teen is tough. No one understands you, life is so hard, you just want to be with your friends till "life" hits you, etc etc. Now add in the confusion of being in a minority group in the Midwest and curious about others like you but there are fewer kids in your grade level then the fingers on your hand.  What do you do? Where do you turn to?

Let me give you a little history on how I grew up.  I was born in Columbus, Ohio and raised in Upper Arlington this little golden nugget of a town in the midst of Columbus filled with upper Middle Class to Upper Class demographics.  My brother were both born in Lorain, Ohio around Cleveland and spent about 8 years there till I was born and we moved to Upper Arlington.  Before I was born my brothers were subject to a bit of racism that affected them both in completely different ways.  My Oldest brother became secretly very curious about our Korean culture, while my other brother vehemently opposed our Korean culture.  Because of my middle brother's attitude he demanded that my parents not use Korean in the house to talk to us.  By the time I was born my parents were in a full habit of using only American English to talk to us.  The only times I heard them speak in Korean was to each other, other Korean adults and the occasion curse word or side comment/complaint under their breath.  I was still taught what to do and introductions in Korean but past that everything I learned was through what little I picked up through friends or their parents.  I only saw four other Korean families on a semi regular basis and of the ten combined kids only two were my age and one of the two in my school district.  In High School I met two more Koreans in my grade level, one was a transfer from an international school in Korea and the other was just in a different part of the district that funneled into the same High School.  I had met and made many other Korean friends through church.

Yes, Church is one of those fascinating places where a lot of minorities use it as a way to come together as a community.  My mom started to take me to Korean Church when I was in Middle School.  I think in her head she wanted to integrate me and get me accustomed to my own culture a little more.  Maybe it was commanded by my dad, since he probably felt weird being the President of Korean Commerce in our city and his children couldn't lightly converse back to adults with simple questions of how old we were, what grade we were in or what we wanted to be when we grow up in our native tongues. I met an assortment of Korean kids there but none quite like me.  Their were split by being second generation born here as US citizens or being first generation moving here from Korea.  The one thing they had in common is that they all knew Korean language where I did not. So I was always a little behind and a bit of an outsider.  I felt more comfortable with the Korean Americans then the Korean native kids or FOB's, but I was fascinated and wanted to hang out more and more with the Korean native kids.

At the time I was in middle school my older brothers were both in College.  Watching them deal with their own identity culture crisis did not help me at all.  My Oldest brother went full steam into getting to know his roots and learn Korean Language, he even did a year abroad in Korea and when he came back he introduced me to K-Pop, namely Seotaiji.  My other brother was also curious about learning more but he took a much more timid approach and joined a Korean Church group there yet still didn't take to anything heavily culture influencing the way my oldest brother did.  Maybe it was because my brothers were now out of the house and curious about Korean Culture that allowed my parents to open me up to it.

Ok, with all that background maybe we can get to the meat and bones of this post.  My identity crisis as a teen. Ever since I started to go to Korean Church I had been living two separate lives.  I had my outside every day American kid life and my secret Korea life. I went to my home church which as a little Presbyterian American church in the early morning then went directly to my non-denominational Korean church afterwards where I would stay usually till early evening hanging out with the kids there and I would come back to my American church for Youth Group.  Never did the two mix and I never talked about my Korean church to my American church or vice versa.  At school I would be the same talk to my friends and hang out with them as usual but never talk to them about my Korean friends or my church.  In my walkman while everyone else was listening to Greenday, Sound Garden and Deadeye dick I was listening to Seotaiji, Kim gun mo and Roo'ra.  Depending on the day of the week after school I had swimming, violin, piano, golf,or Taekwando lessons.  My mom kept me very busy, for everything but Taekwando they were considered my "American" activities.  Taekwando was the only thing that crossed the boundaries.  There were a few kids from my school in the same classes as me but also Korean kids that I knew from Church or family friends.  My solution was that I never talked to the kids from my Takwando classes at school, I just ignored that fact that we knew each other and were friends there.  The melding of my two worlds could never be.  During the summers I spent most of the time with my Korean friends.  I started to go to these Korean Church Camps.  I think there were about 3 in the summer and then weekend trips up to visit my new friends in Cleveland, Pittsburgh and Cincinnati.  Places I didn't even know Korean lived like Dayton and Youngstown, Ohio.  I was immersed in Korean Americans and Korean Natives all summer long.  Kids who listened to the same music that I did and cared about the same news and events going on in Korea.  When I wasn't at camps we would send mix tapes, snail mail letters back and forth.  I would hang out with my American friends but never once talked about Korean Church camps or what went on there.  Most of my American friends never seemed to care as soon as I mentioned anything with "Church" attached to it.  My secrets were safe. I have no idea what I would of done if someone found out from one life or the other about each other. I think I wouldn't of been racked with shame but selfishness and cut that person out of my life. My secret Korean life was like my treasure, it made me happy while my American life was a chore.

My second life exploded in learning about my culture just like it had for my Oldest Brother.  I was a complete split personality depending on which part of my life I knew you from.  This grew exponentially as I hit High School and being able to drive.  The freedom of a teen with a driver's license was very dangerous.

Asian Drivers

There are so many bad stereotypes about Asian drivers, even worse are Female Asian drivers.  Personally growing up in the States I would like to think I drive better then most, but my husband thinks I'm also bad but in other ways.

The stereotypes seem to be swerving, riding the line, going too slow, not using turn signals or keeping them on too long.  I think they happen for a reason.  If they are a first generation where they moved here from another country driving may not be a natural thing to do in their culture.  In Korea people can go their whole lives without ever having to drive a car themselves because the public transportation is run so well and it is everywhere.  Also if you lived in the country cars are not always the best transportation because of narrow roads or unpaved roads.  It's very easy to get into the name calling and road rage behaviors but if you take a minute, take a breath and think compassionately about how terrifying it might be for them to drive.

I am a "bad" driver because I grew up when import car racing was getting hot public attention with the movie "The Fast and the Furious", I'd already been a little into import racing and body kits before hand because my family owned a junkyard with a used car dealership so I knew about cars from inside and out. I tend to be a little speedy, take sharp turns and enjoy an angry drive in the rain.  These days I'm usually more relaxed when I have someone in my car unless I am in a mood but when I am alone I love to push my mini cooper a little on tight turns and fancy wheel work.

A friend told me a great story about their mom who was a bit of a slow driver on LSD (Lake Shore Drive in Chicago).  His mom was driving into the city and a van of Hispanics (not that it matters) breezed by her flipped the birdie and cut her off and brake checked her.  She got so riled up she changed lanes got next to them and did what she thought was the same courtesy before she speed off.  While retelling the story to my friend she was very proud.  She said "They gave me one finger (holds up middle finger) I gave them THREE! (holds up pointer middle and ring finger in pride)".  He just didn't have the heart to tell his mom how what she did probably confused them and not insulted them at all.

Stereotypes like Asian drivers can be annoying and harmful or just a good joke.  It all depends on your point of view.  I like to think of my friends Mom and hope there are other great mistakes like that due to cultural misunderstandings.  Otherwise I'm practicing to have a little more patience when I am on the Road.

Dating Asian Part 2 - Identify

A funny thing about dating Asians is how people like to try and identify with the person they are dating and their culture especially when it is not their own.  For some reason we think that it is like showing them we care about who they are.  Seriously, such a myth, who they are is not their culture and if what makes up this person is entirely their culture and cultural stereotypes maybe you should take a step back and think about if it's who you are dating or what you are dating.

I remember in high school I met this older Taiwanese guy at some Asian night at a club.  We started dating and he would try desperately to learn as much about Koreans and Korean culture as he could.  He even went to Korean church with me.  How strange is that?  Another guy from College who was also Chinese attempted to learn one of my favorite Korean songs to serenade me at the Noreabong (karaoke). Did I think it was cute or romantic? Not really I thought it was kind of strange.  Why would you want to identify with another Asian culture let alone any culture to make someone like you more?  I didn't start dating them because I wanted to be the Borg of Queen of Koreans and assimilate them, I liked who they were at the time as individuals.

Yes there are certain things that both I and they did learn from each others cultures. Mostly it was general courtesies.  Things such as a greeting on the phone and in person in their languages or little idioms so I could understand a little bit of what was going on when they were speaking natively with friends or family.

My Husband had a to learn a few things but he was not the kind of person to assimilate thankfully.  He can enjoy some K-pop and respect the humor in my Korean dramas but he sure isn't singing me any songs.  When we were going up to Canada with my family it was his first time to meet most of my extended family on my Dad's side.  I had to school him in courtesies, nothing language related. For example always take everything with two hands, if it's not something to put two hands on put one hand under your elbow as you take it. Another big one was when you are offered a soju (Korean liquor) never drink it so an elder can see and hold it with two hands, also take it as one shot.  Sipping soju makes you look weak and feminine.

He also had to master chopsticks like never before.  My relatives played this little prank on him. When we were sitting for dinner at my Aunt's house she gave my husband the skinniest metal chopsticks he had ever seen, then she set down the huge plate of bone in California style galbi (korean bbq beef rib flank) in front of him. My relatives and family waited patiently for him to make the first move. He picked up those chopsticks and gingerly picked up a large piece, you could see his knuckles turn white and hand shake a little bit as he maneuvered it to his mouth.  He carefully took a bite and smiled, then my family and I reached in with our hands to take the meat and eat it like a chicken leg. He just watched us a bit defeated and jipped.

From my previous experience I can say I am very thankful for my husband and that he sees me only as the person I am.  He is also considerate enough to make an effort to learn courtesies to make my parents and relatives more comfortable around him without going overboard.  It is key to remember the people you are dating or married as opposed to the color of their skin or accent on their tongues.