As I mentioned before in "Identify" it can be a common thing when dating someone with a distant other culture then yourself to want to identify with them or date them because it seems new and interesting or exotic. I won't say I wasn't guilty of it in my past because I was. Mine however was a little different in that I feel it was more a part of my identity culture crisis as a teen.
We can all agree being a teen is tough. No one understands you, life is so hard, you just want to be with your friends till "life" hits you, etc etc. Now add in the confusion of being in a minority group in the Midwest and curious about others like you but there are fewer kids in your grade level then the fingers on your hand. What do you do? Where do you turn to?
Let me give you a little history on how I grew up. I was born in Columbus, Ohio and raised in Upper Arlington this little golden nugget of a town in the midst of Columbus filled with upper Middle Class to Upper Class demographics. My brother were both born in Lorain, Ohio around Cleveland and spent about 8 years there till I was born and we moved to Upper Arlington. Before I was born my brothers were subject to a bit of racism that affected them both in completely different ways. My Oldest brother became secretly very curious about our Korean culture, while my other brother vehemently opposed our Korean culture. Because of my middle brother's attitude he demanded that my parents not use Korean in the house to talk to us. By the time I was born my parents were in a full habit of using only American English to talk to us. The only times I heard them speak in Korean was to each other, other Korean adults and the occasion curse word or side comment/complaint under their breath. I was still taught what to do and introductions in Korean but past that everything I learned was through what little I picked up through friends or their parents. I only saw four other Korean families on a semi regular basis and of the ten combined kids only two were my age and one of the two in my school district. In High School I met two more Koreans in my grade level, one was a transfer from an international school in Korea and the other was just in a different part of the district that funneled into the same High School. I had met and made many other Korean friends through church.
Yes, Church is one of those fascinating places where a lot of minorities use it as a way to come together as a community. My mom started to take me to Korean Church when I was in Middle School. I think in her head she wanted to integrate me and get me accustomed to my own culture a little more. Maybe it was commanded by my dad, since he probably felt weird being the President of Korean Commerce in our city and his children couldn't lightly converse back to adults with simple questions of how old we were, what grade we were in or what we wanted to be when we grow up in our native tongues. I met an assortment of Korean kids there but none quite like me. Their were split by being second generation born here as US citizens or being first generation moving here from Korea. The one thing they had in common is that they all knew Korean language where I did not. So I was always a little behind and a bit of an outsider. I felt more comfortable with the Korean Americans then the Korean native kids or FOB's, but I was fascinated and wanted to hang out more and more with the Korean native kids.
At the time I was in middle school my older brothers were both in College. Watching them deal with their own identity culture crisis did not help me at all. My Oldest brother went full steam into getting to know his roots and learn Korean Language, he even did a year abroad in Korea and when he came back he introduced me to K-Pop, namely Seotaiji. My other brother was also curious about learning more but he took a much more timid approach and joined a Korean Church group there yet still didn't take to anything heavily culture influencing the way my oldest brother did. Maybe it was because my brothers were now out of the house and curious about Korean Culture that allowed my parents to open me up to it.
Ok, with all that background maybe we can get to the meat and bones of this post. My identity crisis as a teen. Ever since I started to go to Korean Church I had been living two separate lives. I had my outside every day American kid life and my secret Korea life. I went to my home church which as a little Presbyterian American church in the early morning then went directly to my non-denominational Korean church afterwards where I would stay usually till early evening hanging out with the kids there and I would come back to my American church for Youth Group. Never did the two mix and I never talked about my Korean church to my American church or vice versa. At school I would be the same talk to my friends and hang out with them as usual but never talk to them about my Korean friends or my church. In my walkman while everyone else was listening to Greenday, Sound Garden and Deadeye dick I was listening to Seotaiji, Kim gun mo and Roo'ra. Depending on the day of the week after school I had swimming, violin, piano, golf,or Taekwando lessons. My mom kept me very busy, for everything but Taekwando they were considered my "American" activities. Taekwando was the only thing that crossed the boundaries. There were a few kids from my school in the same classes as me but also Korean kids that I knew from Church or family friends. My solution was that I never talked to the kids from my Takwando classes at school, I just ignored that fact that we knew each other and were friends there. The melding of my two worlds could never be. During the summers I spent most of the time with my Korean friends. I started to go to these Korean Church Camps. I think there were about 3 in the summer and then weekend trips up to visit my new friends in Cleveland, Pittsburgh and Cincinnati. Places I didn't even know Korean lived like Dayton and Youngstown, Ohio. I was immersed in Korean Americans and Korean Natives all summer long. Kids who listened to the same music that I did and cared about the same news and events going on in Korea. When I wasn't at camps we would send mix tapes, snail mail letters back and forth. I would hang out with my American friends but never once talked about Korean Church camps or what went on there. Most of my American friends never seemed to care as soon as I mentioned anything with "Church" attached to it. My secrets were safe. I have no idea what I would of done if someone found out from one life or the other about each other. I think I wouldn't of been racked with shame but selfishness and cut that person out of my life. My secret Korean life was like my treasure, it made me happy while my American life was a chore.
My second life exploded in learning about my culture just like it had for my Oldest Brother. I was a complete split personality depending on which part of my life I knew you from. This grew exponentially as I hit High School and being able to drive. The freedom of a teen with a driver's license was very dangerous.
No comments:
Post a Comment